Have you ever been in the place where you know that you fully deserve the age old, "you've made your bed now lay in it"? And if you have been there, have you ever experienced the grace of the directly opposite response from someone? This week no amount of a daily plan, meal plan, or help from a stretched-to-thin spouse could stop the tears that kept flowing as I looked at the messy, unclean surroundings, went through the list of things needing to be sewn or crafted for my store, thought about the lack of anything prepared for the baby that will make an appearance in just a few short weeks, and the house that we keep trying to get liveable; all messes of my own making but ones that the pain from my hips and other aspects of this pregnancy no long allow me to fix. Even a tender two year old actively comforting her crazy mama couldn't staunch the tears although she brought a smile. I don't need anyone to say I told you so, because I already know. I know that I have tried to do more than I am capable of, I know that making crafting messes such as beeswax crayons has been foolish, I know that I came with expectations too high. I know that I struggle with priorities. I know that I allow myself to feel guilty over things that I shouldn't and don't take responsibility for things that I should. I even know that everything is not that bad. But the darkness of desperation isn't choosey about what quality of life it covers. It only seeks to suck out the joy and blot out anticipation.
I didn't make the phone call; I have no gentle tears that allow me to express myself coherently through them, more like a torrential downpour that steals speech and leaves my eyes red for the remainder of the day. But when Dan made that call, there was only understanding and sympathy. Caring and support that became even more evident later in the day with a returned phone call and words something like this, " I can come any time after Sunday and stay for a least a week." and "I'll be bringing my jeans to get to work.". Grace coming with two hands and feet when I/we need it the most. On a plane.