Becoming Kindred Blog

September 26th

I snuggled her in my arms, breathing in her baby scent and feeling her soft breath as she practiced her new skill of gently blowing on my face while falling asleep. As I whispered of my love and the blessing of our dear Jesus over her, my heart remembered. For today was to have been the birthday of our little baby unknown. It has been on my mind for days but oddly today I had forgotten until about midday. My heart and body hadn’t forgotten as I wondered at the feeling of unshed tears and my arms felt empty even while I hugged my three daughters until partway through the day it struck me that it was September 26th. I no longer grieve frequently for that wee little baby who left my body while yet unformed but how I sometimes miss that little one. We passed the first birthday hidden away in a little cabin, just Dan, Aneliese, and I with another little heart (Cecily)beating under mine. I don’t need to figure out the logistics, what matters is that just as a mama’s heart always has room to love ‘one more’, so does it have room to morn and miss one less. Sometimes, when I am missing that little one, I wish that I had had more time. One little movement, having heard the heart beat before it ceased, or knowing if the babe that we loved was a boy or girl; sometimes I long for just one of those things. Something other than helplessly having my baby leave my body and the memory of the sad emptiness of an ultrasound image. Often those who grieve silently or stoically are said to be strong, but I see strength in open expression of sorrow as well. I grieve deeply yes, but I also love deeply. Those brief weeks and the empty weeks that followed changed my life; that tiny, tiny life enlarged my heart. And so today, I am missing my little one and I am honoring that brief little life. With my words, tears, aching arms, and a heart full of love.