I have this odd tightness in my chest, my smile has been fleeting today, my mind a tumbled mess of incomplete thoughts. All because of a moment of reality that occurred while driving home through the mountains from my week long visit with my family. Change is coming. And I am afraid. Up until this point, I have been excited and embracing the unknown. Dreaming of what is next has come easily. But in that space of planning and talking, my heart almost stopped when Dan said that we have three months. Three months to make some big decisions, three months to look for a job and a home. Three months before I have to pack everything in boxes one more time. Three months to love my life here in this little town. Three months before I move even farther away from my family when a last minute decision to drive 10 hours to see them won’t be an option. Three months until “see you later”. And so today my chest is tight and my thoughts distracted and whirling.
I want to take this step, it is the right one for us. But, it is not comfortable or easy. There are much “easier” options that in the face of my fears seem like they could be good ones. But even as I write it, I know that they aren’t the best ones. And yet, I can’t pretend that I don’t feel the losses. I will miss my family and I am sad that I won’t be able to just tell Aneliese that we are going to Gramma’s house this week. I am afraid of going somewhere where I don’t know people, especially the dear friends that I have. I am afraid of being lonely. I am worried about starting fresh. I am overwhelmed by the next few months.
But, I am looking forward to unpacking our boxes and settling in. Not just temporarily “until”. I am excited for dreams to become actual. I REALLY am excited to step into the unknown with my love and my wee girls. I know that I can and will make new friends. And I know that fear cannot hold me. And I love that unexpectedly, as I share my thoughts and a little of my fears, the tightness loosens and the fears slither back into the dark shadows where they belong.