I have this odd tightness in my chest, my smile has been fleeting today, my mind a tumbled mess of incomplete thoughts. All because of a moment of reality that occurred while driving home through the mountains from my week long visit with my family. Change is coming. And I am afraid. Up until this point, I have been excited and embracing the unknown. Dreaming of what is next has come easily. But in that space of planning and talking, my heart almost stopped when Dan said that we have three months. Three months to make some big decisions, three months to look for a job and a home. Three months before I have to pack everything in boxes one more time. Three months to love my life here in this little town. Three months before I move even farther away from my family when a last minute decision to drive 10 hours to see them won’t be an option. Three months until “see you later”. And so today my chest is tight and my thoughts distracted and whirling.
I want to take this step, it is the right one for us. But, it is not comfortable or easy. There are much “easier” options that in the face of my fears seem like they could be good ones. But even as I write it, I know that they aren’t the best ones. And yet, I can’t pretend that I don’t feel the losses. I will miss my family and I am sad that I won’t be able to just tell Aneliese that we are going to Gramma’s house this week. I am afraid of going somewhere where I don’t know people, especially the dear friends that I have. I am afraid of being lonely. I am worried about starting fresh. I am overwhelmed by the next few months.
But, I am looking forward to unpacking our boxes and settling in. Not just temporarily “until”. I am excited for dreams to become actual. I REALLY am excited to step into the unknown with my love and my wee girls. I know that I can and will make new friends. And I know that fear cannot hold me. And I love that unexpectedly, as I share my thoughts and a little of my fears, the tightness loosens and the fears slither back into the dark shadows where they belong.
Sadness, though 🙁 You’ll be moving away about the same time we’ll be ready to move there.
Really? You are moving back here?
If all goes according to plan we will be moving back, yes. DH has a job that lets him telecommute some days, so he’ll only have to drive into the city a couple times a week, hopefully….so, we figured now’s as good a time as we’re going to get. We just have a few more months of saving for a downpayment, and I’m really praying we can get a house super cheap.
I hear your heart, you are not alone. It is hard to leave the comfort of the known and to have to step out and start a new life in a different place. The Lord is faithfull and everpresent, ready to provide you with friends and support that you will need at your new destination. And as always, even though connecting through the internet is not as filling as connecting in person, I’m sure you will continue to have support and encouragment from your friends from a distance.
I’m glad you got my package! It was funny.. I saw that you entered and i was going to send you that check and i just thought i would wait to see who’s name Joshua drew… i was surprised when he drew your name, it worked out nicely though! Anyway.. hope you enjoy the tea… it was my first tea experience when i was in junior high, so it remains to be my favorite flavor, though i’ve developed my tea tastebuds beyond that now! 🙂
It’s the nature of this transitory life, this nomadic existence, and there are no guarantees that it won’t continue until we ultimately end up in our true home. But I will certainly miss you and the girls and Dan. I have LOVED having you at the TH with me of a weekend!
Really?? Where are you moving? I’m sad that you have to move.
this post resonates strongly with me as we’re still in the “until” and waiting to settle in, waiting on starting a new life.
praying for you as you begin to prepare – that you feel Him near.
love to you.
“Thank you, Jesus, for the plans you have for us.” [And Dan and Missy…]I have uttered this phrase, often aloud, every day, sometimes repeatedly for the past 2 months. I want have it all figured out but my human wisdom is fully inadequate.
I heard myself ranting to my dear husband the other day “I just want a PLAN that I can cling too.” Ohh……
“Thank you Jesus, [again] for the plans you have for us.”
“Thank you for how you will care for all the details at just the right time and for how you will give us the desires of our hearts in ways we never could have planned ourselves.”
I am excited for September (and sooner) when we are all discussing the miraculous God-ways that we have been lead and provided for. Sleep well, friend.