I realize this entry is odd following the last one and yet it flows far more easily from my fingertips than did the one about my sweet girl. My blog has felt oddly silent to me the past couple of weeks and the entries that I have written have felt awkward and slow in coming. Usually, I put pictures on facebook for family and friends to see if they wish. Recent pictures have not found their way on.
I have many reasons for this; I have been sick for the past couple of weeks, there have been many details on my mind about moving, Dan has been busy with a conference, and he recently changed something on the computer so it is difficult to resize pictures. However, those aren’t the deepest reasons for my feelings of silence.
Silence has come because I have been reading the news. And while the world is always hurting, there seems to be so so much pain right now. When I open Google, I see the headlines that only speak of horror. And so when I start to write about my (mostly) happy little life, it feels trivial compared to the countries that are in upheaval. When I look at pictures of my girls playing happily and safely, I ache for those wondering if their children will live another day or how they will feed them. I see pictures of young boys holding guns bigger than they are. And suddenly a tutorial on felting seems irrelevant and a recipe seems inappropriate.
I feel helpless and want to scream, some one DO SOMETHING!! And yet what? I know that from our time of living in Haiti, that everything is not always as it seems and that answers are never that simple. Nor do I think that because I live in Canada, does that mean my country can fix the problem. I am not getting political or offering an opinion (and I have no desire to start a discussion on those lines). I just wonder sometimes how to keep living and finding joy in life amidst such massive anguish that others are experiencing.
Do I sound bleak? Perhaps, but understand, I know there is hope. I know that. But sometimes, it is hard to see past the pain. Hard to know how I should live. Hard to not feel guilty. Hard to write a fun little blog share a great new recipe. I have done it these past weeks and I will likely continue. I will keep taking pictures of my happy little girls in the safety of our home. And I will continue to live the life that I have been given, but not with out that twinge, that little pain that reminds me not to take what I have lightly. That reminds me to use what I have wisely. That reminds me to cling tightly to the hope that holds me.