Sometimes, here in my little corner, I wonder why I blog? Really, why? I was talking with this friend about blogging and life in general earlier this week and apparently we both have similar things on our minds. The beauty of the mundane in our lives and the heaviness of the sometimes very near world around us. The oddness of opening up the can of worms called the things most important to us for basically anyone to see. The seemingly ridiculous discontent in our personal lives.
I keep a journal of sorts, which means that I write down thoughts, verses, odds and ends as I wish to and it has entries from 2006 in it…occasionally what is written there finds it’s way here. How is that for letting you feel like you are really peaking in at my life. Here is a bit from it (excuse it’s structural and grammatical warts, it is after all private) :
It is odd how days weave together with a mix of heaviness and delight, strength and fear, sleep and energy, joy and sorrow. And they just melt, one into the next. I laugh at my babies one minute and feel incredibly irritated the next. I cook, clean, and tackle endless dishes. Our days are broken by a trip to the park or for milk. I take deep breaths as my daughter screams “NO” at me, once more. I tell her how hurtful it is when she quotes; (Rain, rain) Go away, and don’t come back!” And I hug her as she softly says, “I’m sorry for being unkind, do you forgive me?” I form finger puppets while Dan takes pictures for a tutorial on a craft blog that I was invited to share and then fall asleep to his quiet singing because the pain and unrest that fills the world news and the remembrance of children and a wife sleeping without their daddy keeps my mind from sleeping. Only to awken hours later, shaken by the dreaming question of “Why bring another child into this?”. And yet, somehow, this is the life, the path that I have been given. The mundane, the hard, the ‘frivolous’ is for me to live and perhaps, through the living well, I can make some difference, can be used.
And why I am now sharing this here and now? Why I am asking about writing on my blog? I am looking for validation in a world where I am largely insignificant? Is it because I think that I have things that are just that important to be shared? Does my fabulous recipe or cute little craft really matter in the scheme of things? Is it possible that someone, anyone is encouraged by the reading of what I write at times? Can I offer something so that someone sees the everyday life from a new perspective? Or knows that they aren’t alone in their nighttime sleeplessness for the pain of the world or in their daily balancing of the important and unimportant? I don’t actually have answers to these questions and I don’t so much expect answers to be given. I will probably continue to write in much the same way; little bits from our days, a recipe, a thought, a craft, a reno project in our house. Because often it gives me perspective and helps me look at my life differently and because I enjoy the writing and sharing of it. Likely some of the most passionately held beliefs, dreams, desires and hurts will subtly present themselves throughout much as they do to the people who see me face to face. And as this life grows and changes me, my blog will change, maybe it will become something that I shake my head in wonder that I gave my time to it. But for now this is me, warts and all.