Have you ever been in the place where you know that you fully deserve the age old, “you’ve made your bed now lay in it”? And if you have been there, have you ever experienced the grace of the directly opposite response from someone?
This week no amount of a daily plan, meal plan, or help from a stretched-to-thin spouse could stop the tears that kept flowing as I looked at the messy, unclean surroundings, went through the list of things needing to be sewn or crafted for my store, thought about the lack of anything prepared for the baby that will make an appearance in just a few short weeks, and the house that we keep trying to get liveable; all messes of my own making but ones that the pain from my hips and other aspects of this pregnancy no long allow me to fix. Even a tender two year old actively comforting her crazy mama couldn’t staunch the tears although she brought a smile. I don’t need anyone to say I told you so, because I already know. I know that I have tried to do more than I am capable of, I know that making crafting messes such as beeswax crayons has been foolish, I know that I came with expectations too high. I know that I struggle with priorities. I know that I allow myself to feel guilty over things that I shouldn’t and don’t take responsibility for things that I should. I even know that everything is not that bad. But the darkness of desperation isn’t choosey about what quality of life it covers. It only seeks to suck out the joy and blot out anticipation.
I didn’t make the phone call; I have no gentle tears that allow me to express myself coherently through them, more like a torrential downpour that steals speech and leaves my eyes red for the remainder of the day. But when Dan made that call, there was only understanding and sympathy. Caring and support that became even more evident later in the day with a returned phone call and words something like this, ” I can come any time after Sunday and stay for a least a week.” and “I’ll be bringing my jeans to get to work.”. Grace coming with two hands and feet when I/we need it the most. On a plane.
Sorry you’re feeling overwhelmed. We’ve all been there. In your head you see how you can make it all work and get it all done and if it does it will be great and fulfilling. But the reality is something usually has to give – and there is no shame in that! I am totally the same as you in when things start to fall apart then trying to explain myself is just not possible as the tears come in full force.
I want you to know how encouraging your blog is to me. Even though I am a crafty person, I don’t love doing crafts with C, but you have encouraged me to try more with your ideas and links. I also love your real-ness and the way you express yourself, I am not gifted in the area of writing and enjoy reading your blog along with Red and Honey and Of Gypsies and Cowboys and others. You all can express struggles and challenges with words that another heart can understand and connect to.
We’ll be praying for you. And happy to hear help is on the way. For now, take a deep breath, say a prayer, have a cup of tea or a rest, and return with a decided fresh perspective and focus on things you can get done little by little. And I am sure you are already ahead of me on this, but make yourself a list of priorities when the help is there of things you would really like to see finished/get accomplished, and go over it with them and Dan at the start of the week. Decide together and work togethter towards the same goals. We’ll be praying for a productive and restful week!
Thank you Ashley and Beth, your words are truly encouraging.
I second what Ash said. And I love your idealism mixed with realism. Everyone needs a good dose of both, in my opinion. You are doing a great job being the exact right mama to those girls, and the exact right wife to Dan. No one else could do a better job, no matter how “imperfectly” you do it. You are cultivating beautiful things in your family right now… sometimes (often) it’s hard, messy, and confusing… but in the end your faithfulness will be rewarded… just keep plugging away, one day at a time. I (and so many others) are cheering you on from afar, wishing we were there in person to help, but sending loads of love and prayers. Thinking of you and the tiniest one lots these days. xoxo.
I know friend. I’m so glad they are coming. Come here on Sunday if you can and don’t bring anything but yourselves. If you can’t I understand but we’d love to see you.
We will call you:)….it’s so nice to have a friend close enough that we actually can converse in person!
Oh Miss’….So glad someone is on the way. Receive it. Let yourself rest and rejoice and vent. Make the most of it but don’t overdo it/you/the week…if that makes any sense at all. Wishing a certain gang of girls were all on a plane heading your way.
What you mean that I shouldn’t make an enormous list of all the things that I am going to do because I have someone here to motivate me;). I say that a little tongue in cheek because it is exactly what I am fighting against doing. Thank you my friend.
I admire you. It takes another sort of strength to let go and receive aid. You have the grace to be both strong to do it yourself, and strong to allow others to help. That is a great balance. In pregnancy all things compile..Your body is working so hard to make another full BEing. Even if you did nothing all day this would be something to last a lifetime. You are creating a life, your blood is giving itself to someone else. That is both draining and enriching. I feel for you. I was not a fan of pregnancy. You seem to do it so well. Hope often comes through another person…I am so glad you found yours.
so glad help is on the way. Love ya.
Oh, this made me cry. I’m so, so glad, Missy.